I'll be missing you when the Rainbow is gone.

You know that single sound or song that takes you back in time to that memory you will never forget, well for me it is P. Diddy’s "I’ll be missing you". Whenever this song fills my ears I feel my eyes bulge up with threatening tears taking me back to that day the rain trickled down the car window.

The rain trickled down the glass as I stared aimlessly out of the window, trees speeding past blowing in the wind as we passed through the country on our way to the Welsh border. It had been a while since I’d seen my Dad because he had had to reschedule his last visit. A motorbike overtook us as we sped down the motorway, hours passing. Wondering if it was my Daddy I pressed my nose up hard against the window trying to peer through the rain drops that blurred my vision. Moving my booster seat as I shuffled about to press my nose up harder, I felt my mother’s hand reach back and touch my leg from the front seat. At that age I didn’t pick up on the sadness that filled the car and that single touch, all I knew was that we were going for a long drive to see Daddy.

Pulling up to the church I see a group of familiar faces piled outside awaiting our arrival. Jumping out the car I run into my Nanny’s arms as she lifted me up. Both family members and men and women in some sort of uniform which I now know to be Air Force, filled the church as we entered taking our seats at the back. I searched around for that one face I longed to see only giving up when my Mum lifted me up onto her lap. The guests filled the silent church with song as six dressed up air force men carried in a big box on their shoulder. Cuddling into my mother’s chest I began to notice am impeccable itch that had been teasing me the whole journey here. My mother had dyed one of my dresses black for the occasion, but this was no ordinary dress, it was one that was completely lined with netting, the itchiest fabric to ever be invented. I don’t think that if I tried my very hardest I could think of a worst lining for a dress. And for a five year old, you’d think a mother would have known better. The whole day all I did was complain about the itchiness of the dress. “Mum it itches”, “Mum can I take it off now?” “Mum it’s itchy”, tears flowing down my cheeks from my uncomfortable state. From the time my mum put the dress on me until the time she took it off I was reminding her of that itch, all the while she sat there trying her best to smile and comfort as I continuously moaned.

The day was long but not yet had I seen the face I most desired to see. Growing impatient I suddenly caught sight of his smiling face over the sea of people. Right at the front stood was a big photo leaning up against tat big box those men had carried in. There he was, my daddy. Trying to wiggle out of my mums lap to get a closer look I realised he was right in front of me this whole time. Smiling at me, that big glowing smile I always longed to see after he dropped us home. We didn’t get to see him much since he moved far away, but when we did it was always like a holiday, this is why we would sit by the window until he arrived to pick us up from the moment we woke up. This time however that glowing smile triggered an unusual feeling inside of me, suddenly the itch did not matter anymore and my stomach turned to knots. There he was, staring right at me, just smiling. Picking up the piece of paper in front of me I looked into my daddy’s eyes, eyes I would never forget.

The drive home was peaceful, the car was silent and the rain had stopped. A full rainbow had replaced the rain. Red, yellow, blue all shone brightly in the sky as my mother took off my itchy dress and covered me with a blanket. Closing my eyes I imagined those eyes, blinking away tears they smiled as they were swallowed away by the rainbow.

Beast

The beast glared at me. Those big, brown, terrifying eyes piercing my skin like a thousand freshly sharpened blades wounding me, cutting open my flesh. I stood there, unable to breath, too petrified to look away and allow the creature to startle me in my moment of weakness. Isn’t it funny how over powering a fear can be, taking over your body at any time, leaving you paralysed. I just stood there, the trees swaying around me, whispering as they peered down upon us, not a care in the world. I could feel the terror inside me rising, threatening to burst out of me at any given moment. Taking a step forward made me feel like a prisoner, my feet weighed down by iron leg shackles. I was unable to move as the creature edged closer. I was trapped. There was no turning back. To my horror I felt myself reaching out my hand; I was powerless, unable to control my actions. The tough coarse skin felt warm beneath my hand. ‘Gasp’, I inhaled, taking in as much air as my lungs could hold. Closing my eyes I ran my hand along the massive frame of the beast. Imagining its beauty, I opened my eyes, reminding myself of the terrifying creature before me. Trying to control my shakes I clasped my hands around its neck to pull myself up. Lying upon its bulk of a back I felt my body become limp. I blinked away the tears that threatened to blur my vision. I felt so afraid, the feeling overwhelming me. I didn’t want to be here, holding on for dear life, heart pounding inside my chest as the horse began to totter away with me still clinging to it.

My hair tickled my neck, flapping in the light wind that caressed my face. I felt like I was flying. A sense of insecurity swept over me. Even with all the friendly familiar faces surrounding me I felt so alone, facing my fear, conquering it. ‘I must not back down’ I kept telling myself ‘I must get through this’. I closed my eyes, trying to imagine a different place and time. I wanted to be a bird, wings flapping, soaring through the skies. I felt as if there was no way down and the ground was a million miles away, not that my legs would have been able to hold me anyway. They were like jelly; wobbling beneath my weightless body that the horse held up.

My father stood by my side, holding the rein of the beast I sat upon. This scared me even more, was he holding it for support or in case something went wrong and the horse galloped off into the horizon with me still on it. I tried not to think about the ‘ifs’ and concentrated on the fact that we were no longer stationary. Shutting my eyes as tight as I could get them I could hear the soil, dried out from all the sun, crumble beneath the hoofs of the terrifyingly huge creature.

I slowly opened my eyes, even though I could still sense my fathers’ presence beside me, trees felt as if they were racing past, and we were going faster than walking pace. As we danced elegantly through the trees we gradually began picking up pace, I looked down at my white knuckles and loosened my grip. I suddenly felt safe. I wanted to prove to myself and the world that I could face my fear. The suns rays burnt away at the ground through the gaps in the tree tops, drying the soil that continued to crumble beneath our feet before we came to a halt. Sliding my body off, I finally reached the ground, my legs threatening to give way to all my sudden weight being put on them. Taking a step back I examined the magnificent creature. Its mighty frame towered over me, shading me from the harsh rays of the sun. I had made it. A sudden feeling of joy overwhelmed me as I broke down. Tears began to stream down my face as I turned to look at my father. People say smiles are contagious, they are right. My father grinned at me and I found myself grinning back my goofy grin that I did when I had accomplished something big. As he embraced me, he let me know how proud he was without words. We stood there for what seemed like hours before he finally spoke. Telling me how brave I was. I had faced my fear. Most people would jump at the idea to ride a horse, taking every given opportunity. Not me. I would run a mile before standing within a football field of a horse, but not today, as I conquered my fear of the mighty beast.

Burn With Me